how the shley stole v-day

seussian motivation prevails!
i wrote this on valentine's day 2006. i'd been back from england for one week, which means i had not read 'how the grinch stole christmas' for one week. that book about 'the naughty little elf' turned out to be a big hit with the english charges, so much so that i had nearly the whole thing memorized. the result?- seussian inspired valentine's poo-pooing!



Every Who down in Whoville liked V-Day a lot
But Shley, who live just north of Whoville, DID NOT
Shley HATED Valentine’s, the whole V-Day season
Now, please don’t ask why, no one quite knows the reason.
It could be her head wasn’t screwed on just right
It could be, perhaps, that her shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that her heart was two sizes too small

But whatever the reason, her heart or her shoes,
She stood there on Valentine’s HATING the Whos
Staring down from her room with a sour Shley frown
At the couples in Whoville holding hands all through town
For she knew all the happy young pairs of Whos
Were busy now, nibbling on candies in twos

“And they’re eating their chocolates,” she snarled with a sneer
“They’re wearing pink clothes! It’s making me tear!”
Then she growled with her Shley fingers nervously drumming
“I MUST find a way to stop all this ‘I’m in love’ humming!”

For on V-Day she knew…

All the Who girls and boys woke up bright and early
They’d lovingly kiss
And they’d kiss and they’d kiss and they’d
KISS
KISS
KISS
KISS
Then the Whos, young and old, would embrace in a hug
And they’d hug and they’d hug and they’d
HUG
HUG
HUG
HUG
They’d hug in the kitchen
And in the shower
And this was an act that made Shley feel dour

And the more that Shley though of this Who lovefest thing
The more that she thought, “I MUST end the smooching!”
“Why, for 28 years I’ve put up with it now,
I must stop Valentine’s Day….
But how?”

Then she got an idea
And awful idea
Shley got a wonderful AWFUL idea.

“I know just what I’ll do,”
Shley maniacally thought
And she dressed as a Cupid
Hoping not to be caught.

Then she crept downstairs with her arrows and bow
And paused, wondering where first to go

“I’ll raid Hallmark stores!”
and she hopped in her car
“I’ll steal all their cards!
And toss them afar!”

She pulled up to the store
Bow and arrow in fist
“This is stop number one,”
And she started to list
All the Valentine’s gifts
That made her lips burn
She’d take them away
And destroy them in turn

Then she snuck through the door
With fake V-Day glee
‘Cause if couples could do it
Then so could Shley
But she stopped at the first display of pink hearts
And momentarily balked when she saw the full carts
Then she gained her composure and proceeded to plan
How to properly execute her Valentine’s ban.

She slithered and slunk with a smile most unpleasant
Through every aisle, and she took every present!
Chocolates! Roses! Love poems and songs!
Candy hearts! Cards! Lipstick and thongs!

Then she did the same thing to the other Who’s stores
Leaving behind only one box of Russell Stovers
She piled it up in her Saab and she drove
Straight to the dump to dispose of this trove
“Poo poo to the Who’s!” she was wickedly humming
“They’re finding out now that no V-Day is coming!
They’re going to Hallmark, I know just what they’ll do
Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
Then the Who’s down in Whoville will all cry
BOO HOO”

“THAT’S a sound,” Shley declared, “that I simply must hear!”
So she paused, and she put a hand to her ear
And she did hear a sound coming over the snow
It started in low. Then it started to grow.
But the sound wasn’t sad, why, this sound sounded merry!
It COULDN’T be so, but it was merry, VERY!

She stared over at WHoville, and Shley popped her eyes.
Then she shook! What she saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Who down in Whoville, the lovers and all
Were KISSING, without any pink things at all!

She HADN’T stopped Valentine’s from coming, it came!
Somehow or another it came all the same!

And Shley, with her Saab rumbling in the snow
Sat puzzling and puzzling, “HOW could it be so?”
“It came without chocolates! There were no plastic hearts!
It came without Barbie cards and gooey pink tarts!”

And she puzzled and puzzled till her puzzler was sore.
Then the Shley thought something she hadn’t before!
“Maybe,” she thought,” Love doesn’t come from a store.”
“Maybe Valentine’s…perhaps….means a little bit more!”

And what happened then…? Well, in Whovile they say
That Shley’s little heart grew three sizes that day!
And the minute her heart didn’t feel quite so tight
She whizzed through the town with a new inner light
And shot out through the sunroof the arrows she took
And threw out some candy

Then Shley
Shley herself,
Felt love struck and dandy